Friday funny

Friday Funnies: the tradition continues

It’s been a week or two since I last posted Friday Funnies, but Do Not Panic!  Dreadful though they may be, they return with vengeance today.

First, a little light philosophy – Aphorisms of the Philosophers (courtesy of Glyn Hughes Squashed Philosophers: Go there, you’ll love it)

Confucius

One who knows and knows he knows is a wise man, Follow Him
One who knows and knows not he knows is asleep, Awaken him
One who knows not and knows he knows not is a child, Teach him
One who knows not and knows not he knows not is a Fool, Avoid him

Schopenhauer – Would you believe, German pessimist academic philosopher (no kidding!)

Der Reichtum gleicht dem Seewasser: je mehr man davon trinkt, desto durstiger wird man. (Wealth is like sea-water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; and the same is true of fame.)

Intellect is invisible to the man who has none. Aphorismen for Wisdom

Nietzsche Fiercely anti-religious German academic philosopher

Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves? Beyond Good and Evil

Oldie but goodie

… and last but not least: cute animal pix with captions


How did that get in here? I’ve been hacked!

Trying out for Le Cirque de Soleil

Par-tay! Par-tay! Par-tay!

I wuv oo

…OK that last one? Slipped in when I wasn’t looking, pass me the bucket kthx

Where do they come from?

You know the type – emails with 1000’s of footers with various virus protection & privacy notices, the ones forwarded from public health and police and other government departments – well, they can get you into trouble, and some are downright distressing.  Others are simply silly.  Here’s a couple for Friday Funnies:
Foreign signs:
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extrcted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours—we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today—no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
  • English well talking.
  • Here speeching American.
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to be, new store.
As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asked ‘What are you selling here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically, ‘We’re selling assholes.’
Without skipping a beat, the Kiwi said, ‘You are doing well .. Only two left!’
Australians God bless them – should not mess with New Zealanders!


Questions that worry me…
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

…and why dogs bite their owners

… of course, some people would ask whether these are REAL dogs (but they’d risk someone biting them – probably Sheba!)

Friday funnies

I just read this on Psychology of Pain:

13 Things You Don’t Say to People with Chronic Pain

1. You don’t look sick.
2. Maybe if you just got out more.
3. You can learn to live with it.
4. You just have to tough it out.
5. It’s all in your head.
6. You’re just having a bad day.
7. This will pass.
8. Just get more exercise.
9. It can’t be that bad.
10. It must be neat not to work.
11. Just be more positive.
12. It could be worse.
13. There’s people worse off than you .

Yep, I think I’d inflict pain on anyone who said any of these to me.

I got this one the other day from Manly Jack – a friend of his has just had a heart attack and is confined to walking for 5 minutes at a time – the rest he has to REST.  Which means far too much time on the internet, which means WAY too many funnies being forwarded to Manly Jack, which means I get more material for Friday funnies!

A new Tesco supermarket has just opened in Tunbridge Wells.  
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the fresh milk stand, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.

In the alcohol department, the clean, crisp smell of hops of the freshly brewed bitter.

When you approach the egg section, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and biscuits.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

…can’t resist the dog funnies this week. Some are oldies, but all are goodies!
ATT00004

hurtful cat

I do fit

Have a great weekend! I’m working on my PhD proposal – oh and marking a few assignments…sigh…

Friday funnies: When women get together

After having had a very productive morning with two other therapists, having coffee, laughing, telling stories and planning a workshop, I thought I’d search the internet for some takes from other people on the theme of When Women Get Together… enjoy and have a great weekend!

First up: When women get together outside the kitchen is a post from Zuska about the way in which other people, typically men, view groups of women when they’re together.  This excerpt from UrsulaK le Guin,

How men feared women! she thought, walking among the late-flowering roses. Not as individuals, but women when they talked together, worked together, spoke up for one another – then men saw plots, cabals, constraints, traps being laid.

Zuska continues with a look at the way women can be perceived even in informal gatherings in an academic setting…  Beware men, some of us really ARE plotting and out to get ya!

There really are only three reasons for women meeting together outside the kitchen:

  1. Catfight. Two women fighting with each other, generally over a man or access to a man. You know, of the Krystle & Alexis variety, which the menz are always hoping will devolve into
  2. Plotting against a man or men in general. They want to manipulate him, they want to defame him, they want to emasculate all men. Whatever it is, you can be sure they are Up To No Good.
  3. Swapping recipes for the next time they are meeting together inside the kitchen.

Yeah right…

Of course, some women get together to plot revenge…while others simply take action – alone

And others simply let their hair down as these women dancing Khaleegi (Arabian Gulf-style dance) show us.

Which reminds me that everyone, including the men in our lives, need to take a break. Let’s do this over the weekend!

Friday funnies

While away some time playing really silly online games like this

Don’t take this Friday funny thing too far – some people do…

pyzamgardenfairy1

And for those who are struggling for something to dothis weekend  – uses for duct tape, see below:

But actually, go here if you want to know how to do this for real…though that’s a paper tape version.  For those who don’t know – great for tailors dummies when you’re sewing costumes or clothing!

For more really silly things to do with duct tape – these guys can’t really be beaten!  Kids, do not do this at home (pick somewhere more wicked)

I think that’s about it from me today – got to go find some more duct tape from somewhere….

Friday funnies

For once I’m going to be slightly sensible on a Friday Funny – and point you here to a brief post by Dr Shock about the health benefits of humour.

People who study humour – are they seriously funny?

Actually, while you’re there, take a wander around the rest of his/her posts – some really interesting (ah, should that be ‘neurostimulating’) posts on a range of topics.

Now, for all women who have struggled so long and hard to find the Right Gift for The Man of Your Life – here are a bunch of presents your man REALLY wants.  (Thanks Manly Jack for the not-so-subtle hints!)

att656436

att656433

att656432

att656434

To finish: a LOLcat, ‘cos I haven’t posted one in a while!

Pain cures from history

Grabbed from the internet over the past couple of days…some things have not changed. Humans seem to have a fascination with magnets, colours, electricity and traction.
First up, the Faradic Electrifier – apply the electrodes to the painful part, press a button and – hey presto! an electric shock. Not exactly sure what that did about the pain, apart from distract from it, but it sure looks cool.
faradic-electrifier

The Electreat was a device that is probably the forerunner of the modern TENS – if you head over to here you’ll find the whole history of it…

Ouch!

The one that really got me was this specially designed treatment for men only (don’t worry ladies, we have our own treats coming right up!).
electric-belt

The history of traction as a treatment for back pain goes back far further in time than I realised.  If you thought torturers needed inspiration, I’m sure they took a look at some of these drawing for some.

medieval-traction

But if you thought it stopped there – this is available today, for use in your own home…

I did promise you something specially for women – well, here ’tis (and it’s only one of hundreds of such potions and compounds)…

lydia-pinkhams-pills

…and I haven’t even started on the rest of the ghastly herbals that were mixed together and thrown down the throat.  Perhaps that’s for another day.