boundaries

Self-care


No, not the Instagram “self-care” of floofy slippers and a glass of wine, or an excuse to indulge in chocolate. No, I’m talking about the gritty self-care that all of us humans need to do, only some of us need to it more regularly or we’ll experience Consequences.

Self-care for people living with pain is no luxury, and it does (occasionally) mean walking away from something enjoyable, setting boundaries on demands for time and energy, AND it means many other things too.

I’ll talk about my own self-care needs because I can’t talk authentically about anyone else. Most of you will know I live with fibromyalgia, and that I’m pretty happy with my lifestyle and dealing with pain. Mostly it’s just a nuisance that I live alongside, and make room for. Sometimes it’s a PITA, and over the last year it’s been more of that and less of the “just a nuisance”.

My fibromyalgia involves widespread body pain (currently neck/shoulder but randomly goes to other places – maybe for a holiday? Who would know!). I also experience fatigue. In fact, the pain is nothing to bother me because I know it’s not a sign I’ve harmed myself – it’s the fatigue that is a killer. Probably the most difficult thing to deal with.

So when I went to a conference, and had a few late nights it didn’t surprise me to feel exhausted. I’m lucky in that I can take a couple of days off for some downtime, and I slept and now I’m pretty much back to normal. Except that it’s a short week with Easter coming up, and I have a whole day out because of a procedure – and I’m teaching Thursday night while also having some other deadlines coming up.

Lurching from frantically catching up to crashing is called “boom and bust” in our persistent pain language. According to conventional pain management wisdom (based on books like Manage Your Pain by Prof Michael Nicholas) pacing is The Way to Go. And there’s some merit in the idea of being consistent in what to expect from yourself, building up from a baseline to what works for you in your life context, to reduce the number of times you have to apologise for not being able to do something because you’ve either flared or you’re fatigued.

The problem with pacing is that we still have little agreement on what we mean by the word (is it gradually increasing activity levels? is it stopping before we flare up? is it planning each moment of the day, breaking each task into 10 – 20 minutes with a break in between? is it about using time instead of pain/fatigue as the guide for what you do?). There’s even less evidence to support pacing as a strategy – few randomised trials of pacing and studies have shown associations between pacing and avoidance. Yet it remains one of the more popular and widely-endorsed strategies for living well with persistent pain.

Coming back to self-care, one of the issues for me is to understand how I get into the situation where my fatigue and pain begins to interfere with my plans. Is it my planning that’s awry? Should I say no more often? Should I ask for help more often? Am I bad for pushing myself? Am I over-reaching myself, spreading myself too thin?

And even as I ask these questions of myself, I feel my mind judging me. After all, I should know better! I’ve been living with pain most of my life. I teach people about pain. I’ve worked clinically. Seriously I ought not to do this to myself. I should be perfect!!

Well, as anyone who knows me is perfectly aware: I am not perfect. And I mess up. I did last week when I completely forgot an appointment with someone because my mind was fried.

Here’s the thing though. This amount of self-analysis, of questioning, of planning, of organising around something that I never asked for, is what anyone with persistent pain goes through. And the often-glib “go exercise” or “just pace” or “let’s ignore pain and pretend it’s not a thing” often fails to touch the constant demands that living with a chronic/ongoing health problem poses. The negative and critical mind is prone to sniping at the “who” I am, while onlookers, clinicians in particular, might not even be aware of just how brutal and energy-sapping this process is. Every. Single. Day.

I do not have a glib answer to how best to live well with pain, and as you can tell I’m still learning even 35 years down the track! I do know I’m determined, and that drawing on values and being flexible about how I do what matters in my life has meant I’ve stayed working (even in a demanding job), kept on playing (creative pursuits are like oil on dry skin), learned to keep my eyes on the prize and not sweat the small stuff…

This post is a plea to health professionals working with people who are in the early stages of living with persisting pain: don’t add things to a person’s life without thinking about the constant juggle the person will need to do often for the rest of their life. Don’t make up another list of exercises, or make suggestions about another technique to add in to their already busy daily life without asking yourself “Could I do this every day? In the presence of ongoing pain?” Ask yourself, too, whether you’re implying that this person is “doing it wrong.” Think hard about all the things each person needs and wants to do in their life – if you’re going to suggest adding yet another thing into their day, consider what this person might need to abandon to fit it in, think about when and where and how this person can do what you’re suggesting.

When we’re clinicians, we can be prone to suggesting that people with pain “aren’t motivated.” I reject this – motivation isn’t a trait, or a quantity we’re given or not given. Motivation is about importance, and confidence. And for so many people with pain, confidence is very very low. Saying no to things requires confidence. And sometimes saying no is the hardest thing.

Self-care. It’s a life-long commitment to being vigilant about the choices I make every day, because the consequences of not caring for myself can be tough to swallow. And yet it’s also OK to mess up and to be with that flare or fatigue, and remember what matters in life.