I was involved in a Facebook discussion about intimacy and sexuality and pain, and I was struck at how tough people find it to raise this kind of topic with a new person seeking help. So… I thought I’d do a series of very brief, very introductory talks on ways I’ve used to broach tough topics.
Before I begin, though, I’d like to frame my discussion by sharing my “therapy viewpoint” or the values I try to integrate in my work.
- People are people, so it’s OK to be a person too. What I mean by this is that therapists can sometimes feel they have to be “perfect” and know everything and say the right thing and never fumble around for words… And as therapists we can, as I’ve written recently, “other” the people we’re trying to work with. Othering is where we identify the other person we’re communicating with on the basis of their differences from us – and may inadvertently elevate the characteristics we have – while using those other characteristics to define the other person in terms of what they’re not. When I think about being a person, I mean that while I’ve learned a lot, listened a lot to stories, had my own experiences and keep learning – in the end I can’t elevate myself in my clinical interactions. I’m not the expert in this person’s life – they are – and they have had a lifetime of being them and arriving at decisions that make sense at the time, although like me they may not be aware of unintended consequences of those decisions. So, we’re equals, but with particular roles in our interactions.
- People usually have a few clues about what to do – but they’re ambivalent about doing them. This means that my job is to help them identify what they already know, ask to offer new ideas, and then guide them to make their own mind up about what to do next (ie, resolve their ambivalence). Sometimes I do know some things from my experience and learning and perhaps the other person hasn’t yet come across those ideas – but I need to respect their readiness to look at those options. We know that ideas a person has thought of for themselves seem to stick more than those “implanted” ones, AND the process of discovering options is a skill that will enhance self efficacy and be a lifelong skill, so the process of discovery may be more useful than any particular “answer”.
- Deeply personal material is rarely discussed voluntarily – people need to feel safe, not judged, and valued as people before they’re willing to share. At the same time, if we never ask about some topics, they’ll never be talked about – so as the “controller” of a clinical discussion we need to be willing to ask the tough, sensitive questions. I suspect our careful avoidance of tough topics arises from our own worries: will we get it right? will they be OK about us asking? will we know what to do if they answer? how will we deal with the emotions? is this going to take too much time out of my session? Like any clinical skill, it’s our responsibility to learn to develop self regulation so we can deal with awkward topics. Self regulation is in part about managing our personal emotional and cognitive responses to situations. Just like we had to get over ourselves when we learned examination techniques (remember your first anatomy labs?), we need to get over ourselves when we enquire about tough topics.
- People generally don’t make dumb decisions, they making the best decisions they can given the information at hand. Judging someone critically for having got where they have with health, pain, exercise, daily life, mood, drugs, whatever – reflects our values and our beliefs and priorities. Who says we wouldn’t make those same decisions if we’d lived the lives of the people we’re seeking? In my book, judging someone for making a different decision from me when I’m seeing them clinically suggests taking some time out and examining motives for doing this work. Nobody gets up in the morning and says “I’ll just go out and get fat today.” What happens are a series of small decisions that seem fine at the time, being either unaware of the consequences, or valuing something else. We all do this, so stop the judging!
- Most people with persistent pain don’t get heard. Oh they tell their story a lot – often the abbreviated one that cuts to the chase about the events leading to persistent pain and thereafter. What doesn’t get heard is what it feels like, the deepest fears, the endless questioning “am I really that bad? am I just using this to get out of doing things?” all that self-doubt, exacerbated by insensitive statements from people around them, particularly clinicians. Giving people time to talk about their main concerns, to validate that it’s OK to feel this way, that it’s common and unpleasant and real, gives people an opportunity to trust. How we let someone know we’ve heard them lies in our response to what they say: reflecting your understanding of their story, pausing to allow the person time to think and express themselves, and summarising the key points to check out that we’ve heard them accurately, these are skills we can develop.
I’m sure I have other values woven into my practice, but these are my key ones. Being real, nonjudgemental, respecting the person’s own capabilities, giving people time and bearing witness to their story, and getting good at sitting with my own discomfort – not the usual kind of skills you learn in undergrad training!
So over the next few weeks I’ll post some brief videos of some of the ways I approach tough topics.
BTW if you’re in Melbourne (or nearby) this is the course I’m running with the amazing Alison Sim – all about communication!
“Spend a day exploring the value of communication in a clinical setting and how we can implement better ways of communicating with your clients:
◾ Motivational Interviewing
◾ Cognitive behavioral therapy
◾ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
◾ How we define “success” in the clinic
◾ Functional outcome measure to assess our client’s progress
◾ Workshop style activities to practice implementing some different communication approaches “
Students – $165
Other Practitioners – $330