Friday funnies


This from Manly Jack…

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

TO:  GOD FROM: THE DOG

Dear God:  Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God:  Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the  colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often  do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Ford Mustang’ the ‘Ford Labrador’?

Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and  Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:  Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just  because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a  cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

5. The  rubbish collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play  tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

7.  Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying  ‘hello’.

8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table .

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The  cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that  noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

Have a good one!

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