1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques – and where does the money go in between leaving your account and turning up in theirs?
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No one has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a bar of chocolate in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
and some others
1. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
2. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
3. Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.
4. After all this is over, all that will really have mattered is how we treated each other.
5. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else…
6. Don’t approve of political jokes; too many of them are already elected.
7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
8. To avoid hating yourself in the morning–sleep ’till noon.
Did I say I was original? Never…